It’s funny how things happen when you least expect it. Is there a plan laid out for all of us? Or is it merely a coincidence that when you need things the most, they just magically show up. There are times when I have really wanted something. Unbearably desired something to happen and it never did. But it was something I dreamed of having. Not something I really needed. Because I was generally okay. Things were going okay.
I really wanted to find a new job for the longest time. But I already had a good job so there was no need for me to get another one. But it was something I wanted. Never happened.
When I was desperate to get out of Russia, the FSB came along and cancelled my visa. That was unexpected. When I was down and out and desperate for a job, any job, I went to lunch with an old friend just to network and she offered me a job. That was unexpected. When I was depressed and contemplating suicide I had to reach deep inside myself and yank myself out, never imagining I had it in me, and never looking back. Are the forces inside or out?
Are we subconsciously forging our own destiny?
Growing up TCK I learned to accept things I didn’t like or expect. I said good bye to four best friends and many more close ones. I walked away from 16 cities I called home. But each new place was a new beginning and meant new friends and experiences. Moving on, bouncing back, was second nature.
Until the last one. It was different. I was a single mom, I crawled into a hole and stayed there. I didn’t make new friends, I didn’t reach out. I dug in. I went inside. Deep inside. I spent a lot of time exploring my past, and living with my own demons.
I thought releasing them would be enough. But it was not until I watched an old friend dying that I came into myself again. His death woke me up. I had been sleeping and hiding.
I am now fully awake and my old friends are my new friends. My life is new every day. And I am again open to the world around me. It is nice. I am happy. Things happen for a reason and they happen when the time is right.
Internal or external? I think they work together.
What do you think?